Wednesday, October 7, 2009

From NASA archives: insults for the moon

I did some sleuthing because I'm a master of disguise.

These are real insults I found in a top secret lair of NASA... insults that they appear to be making against the moon. They were all scribbled on a sheet with a letter head that simply said: "NASA RULES! MOON DROOLS!"

MAN! NASA hates the moon!

  • The moons made of green cheese? Yeah... if by green cheese you mean my dick... NASA FOREVER!
  • You know how the moon got all those craters? Me fucking it. NASA!!!!!!
  • One of these days, Moon, BANG! BOOM! STRAIGHT TO YOU! NASTA NASA!
  • I see the moon and the moon sees me fucking it's mom. BOOYA NASA!
  • The moon is a bastard. We say that because no one really knows how it came into existence, it could have been a capture situation or maybe it broke off of a large comet or maybe it's just a piece of the earth (which would mean it's a little bitch, right?) but by and large we don't really know where it came from so sometimes we call it a bastard because we in a sense don't understand what its "parents" are.
  • That's one small step for man, one giant leap... MAN FUCK THE MOON RIGHT!

Those guys at NASA need to let shit go. I can't believe they still blame the moon for the Apollo 13 incident. Talk about a grudge.

Water, puhlease.

They claim that they're going to bomb the moon to get water. Wait no, not water, ice. This picture shows where they think there's ice:

Here are my reasons for not believing this "theory":
  1. They claim it's important for future space missions. Well last time I checked you can't drink ice, NASA... you just mix it with your whiskey when you want to feel less like an alcoholic. WHAT YOU BRINGING WHISKEY UP THERE?! Drunk astronauts... psshh..
  2. That water's gonna be so dusty. Especially if you just blew up the dust on top of it. Bravo.
  3. It's been scientificially proven in the thoughts I make up that Moon water will turn you into an alien and/or zombie. And I KNOW that's not a risk the tight asses at NASA will pull with their astronauts.

Nope. It seems clear as day to me. NASA hates the moon like a man hates the guy his girlfriend cheated on him with. I bet the moon fucked all of NASA's wives (or husbands... unlike the dicks at NASA [Dr.] Dru Johnston is not sexist).

Possible reasons NASA thinks they're better than the moon

NASA clearly thinks they're better than the moon... only explanation why they feel justified bombing it. Here is a list of possible reasons they might have for thinking this:
  • The Moon didn't graduate cum laude from a reputable institution
  • The Moon has been around for a lot longer and hasn't accomplished nearly as much with its life... just sits on its ass in orbit all day long, not a care in the world
  • Scientists on NASA regularly deal with 5 to 6 times more gravity then the moon does
  • NASA isn't made out of green cheese
  • When NASA hits your eye you get a mother fucking black eye instead of stupid ass amore

Here's the only reason they think the moon might possibly be better them:

  • Wallace and Grommit never made an episode about NASA

Those arrogant sons of bitches. They think they're better than the moon! They don't realize that the moon is a bad ass mother fucker! But then again, you can only learn that by learning your astronomy on the streets.


So long moon...

Alright, this shit is huge, and [Dr.] Dru Johnston, Astronomer with a PhD from the school of hard knocks is going to lay this science down for you like a man and a women after a liquored up night in SoHo.

NASA is going to blow up the moon.

Here's the article that was written about it in the Huffington Post:

And it leads me to believe even further something that I've believed since NASA blamed the Apollo 13 explosion on the Moon... NASA hates the moon, folks!

It's so simple... I may not have "worked for NASA" or "earned a PhD from an Ivy League" or "done extensive research outside of my astonomers intuition" but this shit is real. How else would you explain it?

You can't. The only reason we bomb something is because we hate it or Osama Bin Laden is hiding there. And last time I checked Bin Laden was without a space suit or the fuel to get to the mother fucking moon. This is a travesty! And it makes me look at all the evidence about NASA hating the moon... I can't believe no one caught this sooner.

So I present to you, undereducated internet readers, the overwhelming evidence that NASA hates the moon.